As far as it depends on me

Being me and me being married to a candidate for public office is HARD. I suffer no fools and foolishness is the prevailing behavior of almost every political opponent my husband has ever had. And when I say “opponent” I don’t just mean the people listed on the ballot with him, though recent tactics of choice to lie and attack the character of someone they don’t know versus asserting their own qualifications and ideas are notably gross. I’m also talking about the keyboard ninjas that wield their digital swords around on social media. And most recently, the vulgar and outrageously untrue attack via mailed media. It is clear that those who deal in deceit, assume that same debauchery of my husband and think that they can uncover treacherous tales and use those to destroy him. They don’t seem to mind if they smear a good name in the process as well. All to what end?

They’ll discover that he is the most honest, rule-following public servant a community can have. He does nothing to deceive and avoids preferential treatment like the plague. What they will find is that he tries in every way possible to do more with less, and take nothing from the community he gives all of himself to. And it still won’t matter.

They’ll continue to assert that he’s hiding something. They’ll continue to ignore facts and foster fiction. They’ll continue to throw stones from a glass house, perched on a hill of indignation and ill will. They can’t be won over. So what am I supposed to do with that?

I’ll tell you what I’d LIKE to do. I’d LIKE to rear back a giant sling-shot of my own and open fire on every one of them. I’d LIKE to issue investigations exposing their failures and dark hearts. I’d LIKE to get my Daddy’s wooden fraternity paddle out of the attic and give ‘em all the whoopin’ they deserve.

I’d also like to be more like Jesus.

Though my instinctual response is to match persecution with prosecution, I want to be as different from the world as possible.

It hurts my heart to say it, but when the world throws stones, my initial response is not one of prayerful discernment. Too often, I just react. Most of the time I don’t even realize I’ve launched the return missile until long after the damage is done. Sometimes I like to pile on the destruction by leaning on my own assumptions and understanding of situations and people. I’ll often hear myself say, “I just don’t understand him/her, how blind/stupid can they be?”  In the past my go-to was to collect witnesses, friends and family who could validate me in my thoughts and impressions and make me feel like they were on “my side.” It’s a lesson I’m still learning, but this life is not a competition and the “sides” are simply different perspectives and I’m working on choosing a more righteous perspective-the perspective of the apostle, Paul.

“Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.”

Romans 12:2

Before you go thinking how scripturally smart I am, let me share that Paul’s words didn’t come to me out of prior knowledge or practice. They were shared with me after confiding in a friend about a totally different kind of conflict I had, this time with a friend.

I was cleaning out my backpack one afternoon and discovered a note I had written to a friend that I never sent. It was sealed in an envelope, now tattered by months of travel inside the haphazard front pocket of my work bag. I opened the envelope and re-read the words I had handwritten on an otherwise plain white notecard.

“I fear that in my surprise at the nature of our conversation the other day that I failed to clearly share my apologies. I want to make sure that despite my careless approach….I acknowledge that I botched that up and I’m sorry…I hope you can hear my heart and know that I wish you and your family well.”

I never mailed the card because after a lot of prayer and counsel from my husband I decided that it was overdoing what I had already done. Or, as my dad would say I would be ‘beating a dead horse.’

In the original moment of conflict, I had done the opposite of what I usually do. I didn’t react. I offered apologies repeatedly for something that I had done that was revealed to have hurt someone deeply. I shared my perspective, acknowledged where mine didn’t meet theirs and humbly asked for understanding and forgiveness. The confrontation–and I call it a confrontation instead of a conversation because it was most definitely that of the first– didn’t have a happy conclusion and I would be lying if I said I hadn’t thought often about the words exchanged as well as the never-sent and neglected note. When I revisit the original interaction, I am still grateful for the words the Lord provided me in the moment and even more grateful for the ones He held me back from. I’m grateful for the chance to know when I hurt someone and the chance to tell them I’m sorry. And yet, still, I wrestle.

What is it about confrontation of any kind that makes us revisit the moment over and over again, like we’re somehow going to be able to adjust the details or the conclusion with a rewritten reverie? I find myself trapped, sometimes, in the questions of what could I have done better? What does this mean now? Did I lean on my own wisdom or His? What do I do moving forward?

If I’ve learned anything in recent years, it’s that time keeps ticking and life keeps moving forward, with or without reconciliation or restoration. We don’t get to take back or reverse what we say or do, what’s said or done to us. We simply get the opportunity to do better next time.

I’m not always going to understand and certainly not agree with the world around me, foes and friends alike. What I am, is called to “Outdo one another in showing honor. Never be wise in your own sight. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.”

“Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord. Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. Contribute to the needs of the saints and seek to show hospitality. Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them. Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly. Never be wise in your own sight. Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.”  ‭‭

Romans‬ ‭12‬:‭10‬-‭18‬ ‭ESV‬‬

Don’t pick up the slingshot. Don’t gather the forces. Don’t defend. Don’t overanalyze and justify.

Be humble. Be kind. Be a bearer of Paul’s words. Be a light bearer. It won’t always be perfect, and I won’t get it right every time, but the intent will always be to be “Less of me, more of you, Jesus.”(another song lyric and likely scripture since that’s usually what happens when a lyric strikes me).

The English Standard Version of Romans 12(above) titles the section, “Marks of a True Christian,” and though the moniker “Christian” doesn’t give me the warm fuzzies like it used to in the world we live in now, my heart still hears the point, which is this: I don’t so much want to be seen for my Christianity, I want to be more like Jesus. I want to wear the marks of Him. I want to represent to others what He represents to me: grace, love, forgiveness, truth, hope and peace. Both in the moments I fail others and the ones when others fail me. I want the next action I take to be marked by my relationship with Jesus. So as far as it depends on me, I want to be at peace with everyone. Forgive myself, forgive others and lead with love.