A Sound Mind
Well, my friend Tina will get a kick out of this post.
I am about a month or two into my pursuit of putting this blog together and wondering what in the world I am going to write about as the weeks go by. I'm still not sure that I have enough to say and that what I say will matter, but there are words to be said today so here they are.
For a bit of background, I will say that Tina is a new friend in my life. She is a dear friend of another dear friend, and we met in the Monday night bible studies. I don't see or talk to her often, but there is an apparent connection between us that has been evident to me since we met. We both have daughters named "Natalie" and we both hear the voice of God through music. There are years and miles between us, and I haven't spoken to her in weeks. And though the devotional I’m going to reference in this post was given to me by her, and I was fully aware that she had contributed to one or more of the entries inside, she was not on my mind when I opened the devotional today searching for words of inspiration.
I have been struggling lately to find that inspiration and have been combing the pages of that Advent devotional/reading plan that Tina and Melissa shared with us at our Christmas gathering for something to spark. The booklet is filled with daily devotionals, written by a myriad of people, all across Kentucky about the advent season and what we can be prayerful about. Today is Day 15 but I was behind several days, so I started with Day 10 and began highlighting phrases, hopeful for something to jump out at me. I wasn't paying attention to the day, the author listed in the corner, or even what the base verse of the entry was. I was simply hopping through the pages giving scattered glances to the topics being shared when something leapt off the page.
"We often express our gratitude by sharing the good news with others, attending worship services on Sundays, or faithfully serving in a ministry. These are all beautiful expressions of a thankful heart, acts of love and service that honor the God who has redeemed us. But what about the mind? Since it is also a part of salvation, how do we show our gratitude to God for it? Too often, we dwell in the realm of worry and anxiety-mental spaces that bear no fruitful purpose." -Tina N.
I quickly popped the top off the highlighter and began reeling in a recent reverie those words took me to.
I'll set the scene: We attended a wedding in Louisville on Saturday night and the forecast was calling for evening snowfall. Some things to note:
I have a four wheel drive vehicle.
My husband is a very skilled driver, even in rough conditions.
We have driven in Northern Michigan in a snowstorm and made it safely to our destination with my husband behind the wheel.
Let's continue with those things in mind. As we pulled away from the wedding venue, the snow began to fall and temperatures were dropping. We merged onto the interstate and quickly realized that the although the snowfall had been forecasted for days, the impending danger had not been planned for by the salt trucks in Jefferson County. Fellow drivers were cautiously cruising into the one lane that could be identified under a blanket of snow and brake lights were appearing rapidly in the distance. We checked the weather app to discover that our choice to leave the celebration at that time had landed us precisely in the pathway of the snowfall, moving southeast from Louisville to Richmond and beyond. I was hopeful that other municipalities had anticipated the weather better than Jefferson County, but the further down the interstate we travelled the more apparent it became that our journey down I-64 would be single lane and snow covered the entire way.
I would like to say that this is the part of the story where I describe how I laid back in the passenger seat, in awe of the delicate snowflakes falling around us, drifting in and out of slumber as my capable husband carefully navigated us home. That I quietly mused about the Hallmark-esque landscape and whispered beautiful expressions of gratitude for the Lord's creation and my chauffeur to safety. That would make for an adorable holiday tale. It would also be a lie.
I spent the entire ride home gripping the door handle, shifting in my seat and warning my husband of the immediate speed changes and slippery dangers at every mile marker. I. acted. like. a. ninny.
Much like the way I behave on an airplane, I let fear and anxiety completely overwhelm my thoughts and I could focus on nothing else but the enumerable potential disasters waiting to hijack our ride home in the snow. What could have been a joyful winter adventure with my family was, most definitely a nightmare for me and my companion travelers.
It's embarrassing to admit it, but my behavior on Saturday night did NOT have a fruitful purpose. It didn't calm my nerves. It didn't alter the road conditions. It definitely wasn't supportive of my driver husband or passenger children. It didn't make the ride home faster or better in any way. Even more embarrassing, my prayer thoughts were fruitless as well; I was over in my seat praying for the "snow to stop" or for "more salt trucks" to join us on the road. I am fully aware when it's happening that it's not a good look on me and that I create stress for myself and others. I even apologized to my husband the next day for being a cuckoo bird and making the ride harder for him. He laughed and said he was "used to me."
That stung. But then I turned the page in that advent devotional today and found the words that were full of conviction(and weirdly, peace), reminding me that He gave me a '"sound mind;" one that is “driven not by fear but grounded in power, love and self-control." Thank you, Tina.
It's been a minute since I've heard her voice of wisdom on a Monday night, so when I saw her name referenced as the author of those words--the ones that practically leapt off the page and into my heart-- I knew that I had a story to share and a light to bear.
When I tell stories like the one above, or explain to someone that I am a "bad flyer", I always have to sheepishly confess that I know how ridiculous my fear is and how preposterous it is to control me in the way that it does. I consider myself a pretty intelligent, pragmatic person, able to reconcile the risks in situations and come up with a practical approach for myself. He did, in fact, give me a "sound mind." Until a storm comes or I agree to travel to anywhere in an airplane. Then all reason disappears and I lose complete control over my thoughts, leaving me desperately drowning in anxious notions and obnoxious reactions.
I can feel it coming, like a cyclone in the distance, threatening to demolish the protective walls around my peace. Every time it happens, I set forth an intention: I am not going to let these circumstances and the instincts it triggers to dominate my thoughts and feelings. I know better. I begin to try and trap those thoughts, stomp them out before they gain any traction. I execute the same protocol:
I recite the statistical impossibility of injury or death.
I compile a list of reassurances of safety.
I invoke the Holy Spirit for protection and peace.
I fail almost every time. I certainly failed on Saturday night. So why, then, did I feel comforted by Tina's words and not convinced that I am doomed forever? Simply put, her words give me HOPE.
hope, /hop/; noun: a feeling of expectation and desire; a positive emotional state where one believes good things are possible
It's at this point that I could regurgitate the factual reasons and statistics that would lend my brain to reset and realize that things like snow/air travel, a new job, having a hard conversation with someone, are very much possible successful endeavors. Hope can be driven by facts; the proof that positive outcomes have happened before and will happen again, statistically speaking. But that's not where my hope comes from, clearly. Cuz I've tried that.
My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus' blood and righteousness. I dare not trust the sweetest frame but wholly lean on Jesus' name.
Snuck a song lyric in there, yes. But true. Tina's words remind me of the promises He made, given by Paul in 2 Timothy and all over scripture.
"Therefore, I remind you to rekindle the gift of God that is in you through the laying on of my hands. For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but one of power, love and sound mind."
2 Timothy 1:6-7
"Do not be conformed to this age, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may discern what is the good, pleasing and perfect will of God."
Romans 12:2
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable-if there is any moral excellence and it there is anything praiseworthy-dwell on these things. What you have learned and received and heard in me-practice these things-and the God of peace will be with you."
Philippians 4:6-9
Though tempted, I'm going to avoid the use of the word, "ironically" because irony is not the word adequate to describe the connection between the words from Paul above and the topic of this post.
When I was researching the biblical references of "hope" and "peace," I came upon the three scriptural examples above and the third one seemed familiar; not familiar like I had merely heard it before but like I had studied it, discussed it, learned something from it. I have. Studied it, that is. But clearly, the learning something from it and applying it to my real circumstances is happening as I write this now.
I read the verse over and over and then the chapter reference hit me-the Monday night group chat is titled "Monday Moore Study Group" because the first study we shared together was one written by Beth and Melissa Moore, a study on Philippians. I began hunting the study guide in my bedroom, confident that there would be written reflections in those pages, thoughts of mine about the verses in chapter four that would be relevant to what I am sharing now, words of wisdom about anxiety and hope. Upon retrieving the the book under a pile on my nightstand, I cracked it open to find 156 pages of contemplative notes on chapters one through three of Philippians. Every title page had a consecutive verse from each chapter of Philippians, hand written by me at the front of each section, with subsequent musings about what Paul was saying in his letters to the people at Philippi. I turned to the page titled "Week Four, Day Two: The God of Peace, Philippians Chapter 4, verses 5-9." No hand written verse. No subsequent notes. It was as if I had abandoned the study at the most crucial point.
I had literally made it through 75% of the study and then missed out on the most impactful piece of the pie. For me, at least, as it relates to anxiety and worry and peace. And to this very specific blog post. So I stopped writing this post altogether; I took a pause and did what I clearly should have done two years ago. I finished the long awaited fourth chapter study on Philippians by Beth & Melissa Moore.
Tina was on to something with applying gratitude in pursuit of a "sound mind." And Paul provides biblical instructions(though not in Philippians alone but with the addition of words he wrote in Colossians too). I won't recite every verse or the notes I took in the pages of the long awaited fourth chapter of study but here's what I am taking from it:
Let's start with "let my requests be known to God."(verse 6) It is often said that by expressing our prayers/thoughts out loud to someone it can create a sense of "release." Clutching fear and worry so close to my chest hasn't proven fruitful thus far so maybe it's time to try a new method of prayer. Though my requests for more salt trucks on a snowy road or less turbulent air on an airplane ride are fair requests, I think moving forward I will take an even loftier approach to my prayers to the Lord for things like freedom from fear and peace despite the circumstances. And I won't just pray for it in the moment. I'll start today. We are promised, after all, a "peace that passes all understanding that will guard our hearts and minds" (verse 7) when we pray daily and with intention.
Secondly, Melissa Moore talks about practicing gratitude as an act of pure discipline, giving "intentional resistance" to thoughts of worry and fear with thoughts of thanksgiving instead. She challenged readers, "what if you could be as compulsive about this type of deep reflection as you are about rehearsing your worries?" Challenge accepted. Starting tomorrow I want to do the following(verse 9):
Practice gratitude for who I know Jesus was and what he gave to the world.
Practice gratitude for what I've seen Jesus do, in my life and the lives of others.
Practice gratitude for the blessings that have been bestowed upon me as a result of my relationship with Jesus.
And just for good measure, I'll revisit the wise words of my friend, Tina, as often as possible.
